Depression – Getting Out and Staying Out. Part 4

Of course… all of these perceived benefits are hardly sustainable. Which means that the desire to get out of depression must be greater than the level of perceived benefit.

Secondly, a person must also have a reason to get out of depression. And notice that a reason is slightly different from the desire. It is the motor of the desire. It is the driving force. In my own practice, people who have walked out of depression… or… let’s be brutal here… who climbed their Everest out of depression, started the journey for a reason greater than themselves. Love for his partner. Love for her daughter. Love for an ill parent. Love for a memory of a life that he has allowed himself to remember when he truly felt alive inside.

And that love must grow. Art, literature, music; these and other tools have been great at reviving such memories. What is a drawing that when you’ve seen it, it brings about joy? What is a painting you remember that brings about a desire to be in another place? A better place. Is there a film you’ve seen where a character has just won your heart so deeply you wish you could sit down for coffee later and ask a barrage of questions? (It’s common to want to do that with the author of a great book or the screenwriter of an amazing script) So… love for something or someone needs to be elevated to the point that not changing will hurt more than changing. 

Thirdly, the person must have a set of easy to implement tools that she can resort to on a regular basis to create a sustainably healthy thinking pattern. These tools may be taken from quite an array of tools available through various schools dishing out true positive psychology. Please keep in mind I’m not here talking about pop-psychology. That’s the concept where you deceive yourself you’re feeling good until you do. Or in the hope that you do. 

Instead, true positive psychology, sits on par with the concept of learning how to think right. And in so doing… learning how to create the specific emotions you wish to create. And in doing that… learning to enjoy where you are on the journey.

And last but not least, to stay out of depression, a person needs to be consistent with practising the new thinking patterns until these “overgrow” the synapses that mark our old way. As Tony Robbins used to say “Most people have a highway to depression and a rough dirt-road to happiness.” By building a solid pattern of behaviour through small, measurable steps, the new neuro-connections can be designed just perfectly for our new state of being. Eventually the old highway to depression will become a road overrun with weeds, and bushes, and you will not want to visit that place regularly. Instead you will have a better and amazing highway to joy and happiness.So the fourth element is practise.

To understand that, think of a youth who is looking to play the guitar. Initially, doing a single chord can hurt the fingers and stretching chords over 5 frets can be a feat within itself. Changing from one chord to another is a whole new level also. But even a simple 3-chord piece like La Bamba can be painful on the joints. But it gets better. And better. Until you can now play an entire piece by yourself. Knowing how to play a song doesn’t mean you’re proficient at it. That comes with time and practise. And even then, it’d be a long time before someone qualifies to play for the chamber or symphony orchestra.

When a young music learner first sees someone playing the guitar, he may be totally mesmerised by the person’s ability to sing and play at the same time without even looking at the chords. Until he himself starts to progress and notices that what seemed forced and unnatural now he also is able to replicate without looking at his guitar. The art of happiness must be practised as if it were such a music piece. Regardless of musical genius, true mastery is attained through rigorous practise.

Learning to play “the chords” by heart is important. You don’t want to stop mid-symphony (or mid-life) to think which is the chord that should now be played. But once these are learnt,we can move on to learning advanced techniques, personal-imprint, and the spontaneity that can make music beautiful. It is the same with learning the thinking patterns (chords) of a genuinely positive and happy person. We must first learn specifically what those “chords” are. How can they be played in different ways in the same way that the guitar lends itself to various chord positions? Then we practise and practise and continue to do so until attaining mastery. And then? What then? Then we still practise. Why?

Many years ago, the great flamenco guitar player Paco Peña toured Australia. It was the 90’s and I was passionate about the guitar. It was an amazing experience to see him perform live. To get an idea… this man was responsible not only for the founding of the Flamenco Centre in Córdoba, Spain but he initiated in Rotterdam, Holland, the first University flamenco course. 

To apply to get accepted you must already know flamenco and all about bulerías, alegrías, fandango and any of its other 25 branches or ‘schools of flamenco’.  You must also be familiarised with various styles branching off from each of these. The university degree is to elevate already expert players to a master level. What does this have to do with practising skill sets that can not only get you out of depression but keep you out?

Perhaps this story will clarify.

By rare coincidences I happened to be acquaintanes with an older flamenco dance teacher called Pepe, who grew up with Paco Peña. My friend Pepe, arranged a note so I could meet Paco after the show. I still remember being invited to the dressing room with another guitarist. We chatted about life, flamenco and performing before I had the courage to ask: “So… tell me Paco… how often do you practise? Do you even need to? 

I still remember his smile as if he had been asked this question once too many times before he said in his cool Andalusian Spanish accent: “Practise? Practise I do every day. Every single day for six hours.” I remember being shocked and thinking ‘surely this guy doesn’t need that level of practise’. I must have been thinking out loud because he responded. “Look Axel…. The chords… at this stage… I’ll never forget the chords. But if I don’t practise that much… I will lose a little speed.” To which my young naïve musician’s mind answered: “After seeing today’s show… I don’t think anyone would notice if you lost a few microseconds of speed on the strings.” Paco’s answer as if waiting to get to say this, was smooth.

“Ah… yes… But I would notice. And that… that would affect my performance.”

I never forgot that conversation nor the application in my life. And there are so many like-parallels. The best bodybuilder on the planet… if he stops exercising or eating right might be ok for a few weeks or even months but eventually he will lose muscle mass and change shape. The person with the healthiest colon… if he stops eating healthy and starts eating junk food will surely eventually lose health. The couple with the best connection and relationship… if they stop working at focusing on each other’s needs instead of their own, theywill surely eventually notice the cracks in their relationship. An unmaintained building… and so on and so on.

Once we learn the real tools to thinking like a happy person and start learning to genuinely feel like a happy person, we must practise Happiness. At times we will need to find new reasons to continue to practise happiness. 

And if we do…We may just close the door on depression forever.